Hi Lynze! I just went through your introduction and I really liked the concept you used! Karma is a huge force in the Indian Epics and there is definitely a lot to draw from in there. There are a few specifics I thought might help out with your intro For one, when you were explaining what Karma was to the children I really liked your explanation, but I did not really think some of the language you used would be the kind you used to talk to young children. Divine consequence, to be specific. I don’t think an eight year old would know what that was. Also, I would just double check the past-present tense you use at the very beginning of the intro. In just a few places it seemed a little out of sorts. Finally, you said “Im sure” three or four times in a row when introducing the subject of Karma. Maybe think of a different way of restating that. I really liked the triplets, they were super realistic. That is exactly how children fight. Good job!
The first thing I noticed about your storybook was your title. It great! Just by looking at it alone, I can tell that your storybook will tell stories to bad kids about bad kids. Hopefully the stories help transform the bad seeds into good ones and they finally see some karma (Assuming this is what it is about).
Looks like I was right! I loved your into. With the tired and fed up mom just trying to get by with her three juvenile kids. I like how you set up your future stories by introducing a small conflict between the two brothers. This gave some time for the mom to come and break up the fight and explain to the boys that Karma will eventually catch up to them. I see that you mentioned Rama and Hanuman in your intro, so I am guessing that your first story will be about them. I can’t wait to read it. Lastly, the picture you chose was neat. It shows how karma can affect everyone and everything.
Hello Lynze! Great job with the introduction and your first story! The first thing I noticed was the name of the storybook, which was great! I loved that you are telling these stories to kids through a mom. I thought was was a really clever way to talk about karma, especially including the stories that we have read. I also like the way that you are setting up the introduction to start the stories, as it flowed well from the introduction to Rama's Exile. I also thought the picture you included on the homepage was great.
One suggestion I have is to make sure you look at the grammar, specifically the verb tenses in your introduction and first story. You may also want to look at word choice and see if you can make the story more active voice rather than passive voice. But overall, I thought you did a really good job and I am looking forward to reading more in this storybook!
Looks like I am back sooner than I thought to read a story from your storybook. I was intrigued by your page last week that is why I chose to read it as my free choice but now I get to read your first story. I wonder still if my predictions about the theme of your storybook is true.
Your transition from introduction to first story was perfect. You picked up things from right where they left off. I think that the way you incorporate your story with a side one involving the everyday like of a mother with triplets. We all know the story of Rama’s exile, so there is no need to comment on that, but so far I am enjoying the way your storybook is turning out. Looks like the triplets are going to learn to some manners by the time the mom is done with them.
First, let me say I really like your title! It was what made me click on your storybook to comment on this week. When reading your introduction I thought you did a great job of immediately drawing me into the story. You had an accurate portrayal of what I believe life would be like with 8-year-old triplets, hectic and lots of trouble.
I also enjoyed that you had the little girl tattling on her two brothers, it was perfect! One thing I would suggest is not using such sophisticated words when the mom is talking to the children. For example: strife and escalated. I do not believe that they would understand these words at 8 years old, or at least I do not think I would have understood those at 8. :) Maybe try to pick some other words here because she is talking to young children.
I thought you did a good job of describing Karma to the children in simple terms and showed their genuine interest in Karma. I thought it was cute that you showed how upset the boys were about having more punishment than just getting grounded. Overall you did a fantastic job, and I really like where your storybook in going. I will move on to you story next!
Lynze, I am commenting on your Introduction and Rama’s Exile. Your site looks great. It is easy to read and maneuver. Furthermore, all the links to your pictures worked. I liked that you decided to focus on the epic stories and karma as a teaching tool for disobedient children. Stories are the way children learn life lessons at an early age. I think that this was a great way to tell these stories.
Within the Introduction, everything looks great, but I just wish that you had blatantly said that Vina was going to teach these young and misbehaving children lessons of karma through storytelling. I felt confused at the end. I was pretty sure what was going to happen, but I wasn’t certain.
Within Rama’s Exile, I liked that you chose to relate the actions of the children to specific events of the Ramayana. It excites me to see what events and stories you will do the same for in the future. Great job.
I am commenting on your story book introduction and first story. I really like the idea that you came up with for your book! I think it is so creative and I am really looking forward to reading your stories as they are published. There was one sentence in your introduction that sounded really weird to me. You said, "It was especially hard when those triplets were now eight years old and testing their boundaries." I think you need to change the verb tense in this sentence. It doesn't really make sense to me to be talking in the past tense about the present. But maybe I am wrong, I don't know!
As far as your first story goes, it was good. I think you did a great job putting the story into a child-like storytelling format. It makes me laugh, though, because we all have such an American bias in our writing. We write things based off of the way American children would behave, or how American parents would discipline their children. I am currently living in India, so I have seen a huge difference in how the parenting/teaching style is in comparison to American ideals. But anyway, good job on your story! Keep on writing!
I really liked your Storybook thus far. What a cute idea, dealing with unruly children. While reading your introduction I became confused. I could not tell whether it was supposed to be in the past tense or the present tense. Was it supposed to be in first person or third person? When you say “this household” it makes it sound like it is first person, but then you go on to say “she couldn’t tell what he was upset about” which is third person? And who is this she you mention in the beginning? The dynamics between the children were really cute. Your first story was great! It was clear and concise. I would have liked to hear a little bit more of the children’s emotions, especially Pran. Maybe he was sulking or acting in a way children do when they’ve been embarrassed. It was interesting the way you used Vina as a way to teach about Karma. It was very enjoyable!
Hi Lynze! I love your storybook site! The colors look really nice and overall it looks really nicely put together. Your font is easy to read and your site is easy to navigate.
I enjoyed your introduction and I really like how you set it up as the children being taught a lesson on what karma is. It was very cute and I think you did a good job of showing what each of your upcoming stories will be about.
Now I am commenting on your story “Rama’s Exile.” I really like how you are telling a story within a story. I love your dialogue throughout the story, you did a great job of having it bounce back and fourth quickly! I like that your story is teaching the children to be kind to one another by using the stories we have read in class as examples! You did a wonderful job on your story and I am looking forward to reading more as the semester continues!
I remember originally reading your introduction and knowing that I would love your stories. I think the personalities you gave the children are fantastic! I love seeing how they are always bickering and tattling on one another. It’s great that you made them “troublemakers,” it’s perfect for your type of stories to teach them a lesson. You did a great job of making them act like real children would.
This week I read your story Rama’s exile. I was trying to figure out how you would use his exile as an example of Karma, but you did a great job! I think you chose a perfect story to teach about Karma, and using such an important person to the children was even better. Good job of making the children accept what Karma can do. One thing I would suggest is to draw out that part of the story a little more. I feel as though the children accepted the lesson very easily, I would maybe add a little more dialogue with them asking more questions before coming to their own conclusions. Great work!
Lynze! What a cool storybook! I love the way you have framed it. A mother trying to effectively teach her kids about Karma is such a great way to set up your stories. And the two you've written fit so well with the theme.
One thing that I noticed was really great was your use of dialogue. You have done an excellent job giving each of your characters very distinct voices. The kids really sound like kids, and Supriya is such a fun character. She's kind of bossy and kind of a know-it-all, but she's so likeable! I love the way the triplets interact.
Again, you very skillfully tied the epics tales into the larger story. I like the way that you used different parts of the Ramayana to depict different aspects of how Karma works. It all made very good sense. It flows so smoothly; it's very easy to read. Great job, Lynze!
Lynze, I commend you for your creativity here; I think the idea of telling these stories to children will be quite interesting if they are told as is straight from the text. Also, I have a nephew right around the age of eight and I completely understand your statement in that they ‘test their boundaries.’ I enjoyed the content of your story. Good job! The girl is the one to tattle? I can unequivocally relate to this as well. So the mother of these three children is quite familiar with the Ramayana? Your story flows so effortlessly. Very well done. I can imagine the look on the kids’ faces when they hear of the punishment that Rama faced in the Ramayana. Priceless! I enjoy how you incorporated things that would be so common to kids. I felt like this added to the credibility of everything else that you included and made it an easy read.
Lynze, I thought your idea was very interesting and a valuable way to communicate the consequences of our actions to children! I really liked how your introduction set the scene for the stories that followed. Kids are always getting into trouble and causing their parents grief, so I think explaining that their actions have larger consequences than we might realize. You describe the situation with the triplets fighting so well. I know just about everyone can imagine that happening, which makes it really relatable. Your story about Rama’s exile was on point. It showed the repercussions of Rama’s teasing in a really profound way that changed his life forever. It’s important that stories told to children have clear cause and effect, and I think the way you wrote this story really shows that. My one note would be to watch out for missing commas, especially between clauses joined with a conjunction. But otherwise, great job!
Hey Lynze, I just wanted to leave a comment on your wall about how much I like the layout of your blog. I like how simple and clean it is, but your blog layout is definitely not boring. For example, the background picture is simple but very colorful at the same time. I love the tones of pink and the tropical vibe that the design gives.
Hey Lynze! Great storybook you got there! I really liked the theme of your project. It was the theme for kids to learn about karma and you used Rama's exile and the story of Hanuman's tail which I thought fit perfectly into your theme! You also added a lot of details that described the characters. When I was reading your story I have a clear image of the characters' emotions. So far your writing was good enough. I didn't really catch any major grammar issues. You did the dialogues in paragraphs that made it easier to read. The layout of your storybook is pretty simple but simple enough that I can read. It is hard sometimes when people do crazy layouts and fonts. It makes it hard for people to read. In Rama's exile you made the story pretty clear especially the part where Rama bullied Manthara and wanted revenge. That is where the part of karma comes into play. Overall, I think you did a wonderful job on your story. I enjoyed reading your two stories and thought they were deep in details. I also enjoyed exploring your page.
Hey, Lynze! You have a really cool storybook so far! I like how your storybook is about a mother trying to teach her kids the way of Karma. I really enjoy reading these types of storybooks, where an older person whether it be a mom, dad, or grandfather is telling the story to little children. I don’t know why but it makes it a lot easier for me to paint a picture of the story being told in my head. Maybe it’s because I used to love when my parents or grandparents told me stories when I was little. I guess in a way I’m imagining myself as the children in the storybooks. Overall your storybook has so much creativity and the imagery is awesome. The layout of your storybook is easy on the eyes which I like a lot. The greens and blues go together well. I look forward to reading more of your stories later on this semester!
I LOVE you storybook! The layout is simple and easy to navigate, the colors are calm and relaxed, and the stories are adorably told. It’s great! The introduction was amazing. Having three little kids is a handful, much less having triplets! The way that you incorporated Karma not only into their lives, but also giving examples of Ramayana stories is such a good idea. A mother telling her children stories is so special. These little stories stick into our young minds and shape our future, whether we realize it or not. The way that you ended your introduction was such a cliffhanger. The concerned children want to know how they can even out their Karma and right then the story ends…only to be picked up in the next story! The way that the next story picks up right where the introduction ends is so well thought out! I did not see any glaring issues with punctuation or grammar (although I’m probably not the best to ask for such advise), and the flow of the stories was so easy to follow. This was one of my favorite Storybooks! Keep up the good work!
Hi, Lynze! The title of your storybook is very creative and I am so glad I decided to take a look. First of all, great layout! It is so easy to navigate and follow along. I really liked your introduction. It has great details and I liked that you made it from the point of view of a mother. You have great detail that made it very easy for me to picture. I really like the dialogue you have written. It really helped me as a reader connect to each of your stories. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook! Great job.
Hey Lynze! I have not yet had the opportunity to look at your storybook, so I am going to start at the introduction. I think that your introduction sets up the rest of the storybook very well. I really enjoyed reading it! I like that you spaced everything out. It helps the page to be easier to read. One suggestion I have is to maybe make your picture at the bottom a little smaller. It is really huge. I really loved your first story! I think it taught a great lesson to the triplets. I also liked that you added parts where the children would interrupt. I think that is very realistic, so good job! One thing I noticed was when Pran was speaking at the end. Pran said "I promise start being nicer." I think after promise there should be another word like I'll or to. :You probably just missed it on accident! Overall, awesome job! I can't wait to read the rest of your storybook!
I’m back to your storybook and I am super excited to get a change to read another one of your storybook stories. I thought that you did such a good job with your first story “Rama’s Exile”. I think that your storybook’s is one of my favorites because your focus to tell stories to unruly Children is great! As a matter of fact I told a story that was meant to be a lesson taught to a child this week. Anyways, back to your story, this week I will be reading your second story “Hanuman’s Tail”.
Another great introduction to your story. I see that Vina is telling her kids often about the karma stories. They must really be interested. What I like about this story and your previous one is that you turn the stories into more of a conversation instead of a long drawn out story. It is pretty hard to do when you think about it because you are in fear of missing some key details. You do it perfectly, and you are able to cover the most important details to get across to the children. Your story was great, and I couldn’t find any errors in it.
Hello Lynze! I just wanted to say thank you for all of your wonderful feedback and constructive criticism for my stories. They have really helped me out when writing. You are so good at it, and you can find everything that I miss. I know you don't have too, but I appreciate you taking the time to help me out. Thank you!
You did a nice job characterizing the children and given them a youthful voice, both in their words and actions. Also, just a technical note, I appreciate you putting a link to the next page at the bottom of each story. It makes navigation much easier.
After reading the first story of Rama's Exile, I can see that the whole framework of the story really works well. I liked that you picked appropriate stories of karma for each bad thing the children did, especially the story of Rama and Manthara. That was an excellent retelling of the story to fit into your storybook.
Introduction:
"Supriya, the only girl tattled as soon as she entered the room..." - should have a comma after "the only girl".
"Though by the way the boys stared at her..." - "though" sounds weird here, maybe try "but"
Rama's Exile:
"“Pran got in trouble at school today,” Ravi boasted as they got home..." 'boasted' doesn't really make sense here, although I know what you're trying to say. You could try 'smugly'?
"With as much trouble as the three of them go into on a daily basis" - should be "got into"
"...and I promise start being nicer,” Pran promised". - "...and I promise to start..."
Hey Lynze, I really like your storybook. I also really like the color scheme and the font. It is very easy to read. I also liked your picture as well. The picture looked as if it was a mother handing books to her children as if they were lessons of some sort. I thought that really went with your storybook.
As I dove into your readings I thought that was a super creative that you thought of the idea of telling these four stories as a mother trying to teach her children about karma somehow.
Your introduction was great because it is so true that kids are always getting into trouble and are always being ornery and mischievous. I think that is definitely how it would be growing up with triplets. I know that my brother was always being ornery and mischievous. Overall, I think you did a great job. I can’t wait to dive more into your storybook.
Hi Lynze! I just went through your introduction and I really liked the concept you used! Karma is a huge force in the Indian Epics and there is definitely a lot to draw from in there. There are a few specifics I thought might help out with your intro For one, when you were explaining what Karma was to the children I really liked your explanation, but I did not really think some of the language you used would be the kind you used to talk to young children. Divine consequence, to be specific. I don’t think an eight year old would know what that was. Also, I would just double check the past-present tense you use at the very beginning of the intro. In just a few places it seemed a little out of sorts. Finally, you said “Im sure” three or four times in a row when introducing the subject of Karma. Maybe think of a different way of restating that. I really liked the triplets, they were super realistic. That is exactly how children fight. Good job!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteHello,
The first thing I noticed about your storybook was your title. It great! Just by looking at it alone, I can tell that your storybook will tell stories to bad kids about bad kids. Hopefully the stories help transform the bad seeds into good ones and they finally see some karma (Assuming this is what it is about).
Looks like I was right! I loved your into. With the tired and fed up mom just trying to get by with her three juvenile kids. I like how you set up your future stories by introducing a small conflict between the two brothers. This gave some time for the mom to come and break up the fight and explain to the boys that Karma will eventually catch up to them. I see that you mentioned Rama and Hanuman in your intro, so I am guessing that your first story will be about them. I can’t wait to read it. Lastly, the picture you chose was neat. It shows how karma can affect everyone and everything.
Hello Lynze! Great job with the introduction and your first story! The first thing I noticed was the name of the storybook, which was great! I loved that you are telling these stories to kids through a mom. I thought was was a really clever way to talk about karma, especially including the stories that we have read. I also like the way that you are setting up the introduction to start the stories, as it flowed well from the introduction to Rama's Exile. I also thought the picture you included on the homepage was great.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion I have is to make sure you look at the grammar, specifically the verb tenses in your introduction and first story. You may also want to look at word choice and see if you can make the story more active voice rather than passive voice. But overall, I thought you did a really good job and I am looking forward to reading more in this storybook!
Hello again Lynze!
ReplyDeleteLooks like I am back sooner than I thought to read a story from your storybook. I was intrigued by your page last week that is why I chose to read it as my free choice but now I get to read your first story. I wonder still if my predictions about the theme of your storybook is true.
Your transition from introduction to first story was perfect. You picked up things from right where they left off. I think that the way you incorporate your story with a side one involving the everyday like of a mother with triplets. We all know the story of Rama’s exile, so there is no need to comment on that, but so far I am enjoying the way your storybook is turning out. Looks like the triplets are going to learn to some manners by the time the mom is done with them.
First, let me say I really like your title! It was what made me click on your storybook to comment on this week. When reading your introduction I thought you did a great job of immediately drawing me into the story. You had an accurate portrayal of what I believe life would be like with 8-year-old triplets, hectic and lots of trouble.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed that you had the little girl tattling on her two brothers, it was perfect! One thing I would suggest is not using such sophisticated words when the mom is talking to the children. For example: strife and escalated. I do not believe that they would understand these words at 8 years old, or at least I do not think I would have understood those at 8. :) Maybe try to pick some other words here because she is talking to young children.
I thought you did a good job of describing Karma to the children in simple terms and showed their genuine interest in Karma. I thought it was cute that you showed how upset the boys were about having more punishment than just getting grounded. Overall you did a fantastic job, and I really like where your storybook in going. I will move on to you story next!
Lynze, I am commenting on your Introduction and Rama’s Exile. Your site looks great. It is easy to read and maneuver. Furthermore, all the links to your pictures worked. I liked that you decided to focus on the epic stories and karma as a teaching tool for disobedient children. Stories are the way children learn life lessons at an early age. I think that this was a great way to tell these stories.
ReplyDeleteWithin the Introduction, everything looks great, but I just wish that you had blatantly said that Vina was going to teach these young and misbehaving children lessons of karma through storytelling. I felt confused at the end. I was pretty sure what was going to happen, but I wasn’t certain.
Within Rama’s Exile, I liked that you chose to relate the actions of the children to specific events of the Ramayana. It excites me to see what events and stories you will do the same for in the future. Great job.
Lynze,
ReplyDeleteI am commenting on your story book introduction and first story. I really like the idea that you came up with for your book! I think it is so creative and I am really looking forward to reading your stories as they are published. There was one sentence in your introduction that sounded really weird to me. You said, "It was especially hard when those triplets were now eight years old and testing their boundaries." I think you need to change the verb tense in this sentence. It doesn't really make sense to me to be talking in the past tense about the present. But maybe I am wrong, I don't know!
As far as your first story goes, it was good. I think you did a great job putting the story into a child-like storytelling format. It makes me laugh, though, because we all have such an American bias in our writing. We write things based off of the way American children would behave, or how American parents would discipline their children. I am currently living in India, so I have seen a huge difference in how the parenting/teaching style is in comparison to American ideals. But anyway, good job on your story! Keep on writing!
Hey Lynze,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your Storybook thus far. What a cute idea, dealing with unruly children. While reading your introduction I became confused. I could not tell whether it was supposed to be in the past tense or the present tense. Was it supposed to be in first person or third person? When you say “this household” it makes it sound like it is first person, but then you go on to say “she couldn’t tell what he was upset about” which is third person? And who is this she you mention in the beginning? The dynamics between the children were really cute. Your first story was great! It was clear and concise. I would have liked to hear a little bit more of the children’s emotions, especially Pran. Maybe he was sulking or acting in a way children do when they’ve been embarrassed. It was interesting the way you used Vina as a way to teach about Karma. It was very enjoyable!
Hi Lynze! I love your storybook site! The colors look really nice and overall it looks really nicely put together. Your font is easy to read and your site is easy to navigate.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your introduction and I really like how you set it up as the children being taught a lesson on what karma is. It was very cute and I think you did a good job of showing what each of your upcoming stories will be about.
Now I am commenting on your story “Rama’s Exile.” I really like how you are telling a story within a story. I love your dialogue throughout the story, you did a great job of having it bounce back and fourth quickly! I like that your story is teaching the children to be kind to one another by using the stories we have read in class as examples! You did a wonderful job on your story and I am looking forward to reading more as the semester continues!
I remember originally reading your introduction and knowing that I would love your stories. I think the personalities you gave the children are fantastic! I love seeing how they are always bickering and tattling on one another. It’s great that you made them “troublemakers,” it’s perfect for your type of stories to teach them a lesson. You did a great job of making them act like real children would.
ReplyDeleteThis week I read your story Rama’s exile. I was trying to figure out how you would use his exile as an example of Karma, but you did a great job! I think you chose a perfect story to teach about Karma, and using such an important person to the children was even better. Good job of making the children accept what Karma can do. One thing I would suggest is to draw out that part of the story a little more. I feel as though the children accepted the lesson very easily, I would maybe add a little more dialogue with them asking more questions before coming to their own conclusions. Great work!
Lynze! What a cool storybook! I love the way you have framed it. A mother trying to effectively teach her kids about Karma is such a great way to set up your stories. And the two you've written fit so well with the theme.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I noticed was really great was your use of dialogue. You have done an excellent job giving each of your characters very distinct voices. The kids really sound like kids, and Supriya is such a fun character. She's kind of bossy and kind of a know-it-all, but she's so likeable! I love the way the triplets interact.
Again, you very skillfully tied the epics tales into the larger story. I like the way that you used different parts of the Ramayana to depict different aspects of how Karma works. It all made very good sense. It flows so smoothly; it's very easy to read. Great job, Lynze!
Lynze,
ReplyDeleteI commend you for your creativity here; I think the idea of telling these stories to children will be quite interesting if they are told as is straight from the text. Also, I have a nephew right around the age of eight and I completely understand your statement in that they ‘test their boundaries.’ I enjoyed the content of your story. Good job!
The girl is the one to tattle? I can unequivocally relate to this as well.
So the mother of these three children is quite familiar with the Ramayana?
Your story flows so effortlessly. Very well done.
I can imagine the look on the kids’ faces when they hear of the punishment that Rama faced in the Ramayana. Priceless!
I enjoy how you incorporated things that would be so common to kids. I felt like this added to the credibility of everything else that you included and made it an easy read.
Lynze, I thought your idea was very interesting and a valuable way to communicate the consequences of our actions to children! I really liked how your introduction set the scene for the stories that followed. Kids are always getting into trouble and causing their parents grief, so I think explaining that their actions have larger consequences than we might realize. You describe the situation with the triplets fighting so well. I know just about everyone can imagine that happening, which makes it really relatable. Your story about Rama’s exile was on point. It showed the repercussions of Rama’s teasing in a really profound way that changed his life forever. It’s important that stories told to children have clear cause and effect, and I think the way you wrote this story really shows that. My one note would be to watch out for missing commas, especially between clauses joined with a conjunction. But otherwise, great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Lynze, I just wanted to leave a comment on your wall about how much I like the layout of your blog. I like how simple and clean it is, but your blog layout is definitely not boring. For example, the background picture is simple but very colorful at the same time. I love the tones of pink and the tropical vibe that the design gives.
ReplyDeleteHey Lynze! Great storybook you got there! I really liked the theme of your project. It was the theme for kids to learn about karma and you used Rama's exile and the story of Hanuman's tail which I thought fit perfectly into your theme! You also added a lot of details that described the characters. When I was reading your story I have a clear image of the characters' emotions. So far your writing was good enough. I didn't really catch any major grammar issues. You did the dialogues in paragraphs that made it easier to read. The layout of your storybook is pretty simple but simple enough that I can read. It is hard sometimes when people do crazy layouts and fonts. It makes it hard for people to read. In Rama's exile you made the story pretty clear especially the part where Rama bullied Manthara and wanted revenge. That is where the part of karma comes into play. Overall, I think you did a wonderful job on your story. I enjoyed reading your two stories and thought they were deep in details. I also enjoyed exploring your page.
ReplyDeleteHey, Lynze! You have a really cool storybook so far! I like how your storybook is about a mother trying to teach her kids the way of Karma. I really enjoy reading these types of storybooks, where an older person whether it be a mom, dad, or grandfather is telling the story to little children. I don’t know why but it makes it a lot easier for me to paint a picture of the story being told in my head. Maybe it’s because I used to love when my parents or grandparents told me stories when I was little. I guess in a way I’m imagining myself as the children in the storybooks. Overall your storybook has so much creativity and the imagery is awesome. The layout of your storybook is easy on the eyes which I like a lot. The greens and blues go together well. I look forward to reading more of your stories later on this semester!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE you storybook! The layout is simple and easy to navigate, the colors are calm and relaxed, and the stories are adorably told. It’s great!
ReplyDeleteThe introduction was amazing. Having three little kids is a handful, much less having triplets! The way that you incorporated Karma not only into their lives, but also giving examples of Ramayana stories is such a good idea. A mother telling her children stories is so special. These little stories stick into our young minds and shape our future, whether we realize it or not. The way that you ended your introduction was such a cliffhanger. The concerned children want to know how they can even out their Karma and right then the story ends…only to be picked up in the next story! The way that the next story picks up right where the introduction ends is so well thought out!
I did not see any glaring issues with punctuation or grammar (although I’m probably not the best to ask for such advise), and the flow of the stories was so easy to follow.
This was one of my favorite Storybooks! Keep up the good work!
Hi, Lynze! The title of your storybook is very creative and I am so glad I decided to take a look. First of all, great layout! It is so easy to navigate and follow along. I really liked your introduction. It has great details and I liked that you made it from the point of view of a mother. You have great detail that made it very easy for me to picture. I really like the dialogue you have written. It really helped me as a reader connect to each of your stories. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook! Great job.
ReplyDeleteHey Lynze!
ReplyDeleteI have not yet had the opportunity to look at your storybook, so I am going to start at the introduction. I think that your introduction sets up the rest of the storybook very well. I really enjoyed reading it! I like that you spaced everything out. It helps the page to be easier to read. One suggestion I have is to maybe make your picture at the bottom a little smaller. It is really huge.
I really loved your first story! I think it taught a great lesson to the triplets. I also liked that you added parts where the children would interrupt. I think that is very realistic, so good job! One thing I noticed was when Pran was speaking at the end. Pran said "I promise start being nicer." I think after promise there should be another word like I'll or to. :You probably just missed it on accident! Overall, awesome job! I can't wait to read the rest of your storybook!
Hello again Lynze!
ReplyDeleteI’m back to your storybook and I am super excited to get a change to read another one of your storybook stories. I thought that you did such a good job with your first story “Rama’s Exile”. I think that your storybook’s is one of my favorites because your focus to tell stories to unruly Children is great! As a matter of fact I told a story that was meant to be a lesson taught to a child this week. Anyways, back to your story, this week I will be reading your second story “Hanuman’s Tail”.
Another great introduction to your story. I see that Vina is telling her kids often about the karma stories. They must really be interested. What I like about this story and your previous one is that you turn the stories into more of a conversation instead of a long drawn out story. It is pretty hard to do when you think about it because you are in fear of missing some key details. You do it perfectly, and you are able to cover the most important details to get across to the children. Your story was great, and I couldn’t find any errors in it.
Hello Lynze! I just wanted to say thank you for all of your wonderful feedback and constructive criticism for my stories. They have really helped me out when writing. You are so good at it, and you can find everything that I miss. I know you don't have too, but I appreciate you taking the time to help me out. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteComments for Storybook
ReplyDeleteYou did a nice job characterizing the children and given them a youthful voice, both in their words and actions. Also, just a technical note, I appreciate you putting a link to the next page at the bottom of each story. It makes navigation much easier.
After reading the first story of Rama's Exile, I can see that the whole framework of the story really works well. I liked that you picked appropriate stories of karma for each bad thing the children did, especially the story of Rama and Manthara. That was an excellent retelling of the story to fit into your storybook.
Introduction:
"Supriya, the only girl tattled as soon as she entered the room..." - should have a comma after "the only girl".
"Though by the way the boys stared at her..." - "though" sounds weird here, maybe try "but"
Rama's Exile:
"“Pran got in trouble at school today,” Ravi boasted as they got home..." 'boasted' doesn't really make sense here, although I know what you're trying to say. You could try 'smugly'?
"With as much trouble as the three of them go into on a daily basis" - should be "got into"
"...and I promise start being nicer,” Pran promised". - "...and I promise to start..."
Hey Lynze,
ReplyDeleteI really like your storybook. I also really like the color scheme and the font. It is very easy to read. I also liked your picture as well. The picture looked as if it was a mother handing books to her children as if they were lessons of some sort. I thought that really went with your storybook.
As I dove into your readings I thought that was a super creative that you thought of the idea of telling these four stories as a mother trying to teach her children about karma somehow.
Your introduction was great because it is so true that kids are always getting into trouble and are always being ornery and mischievous. I think that is definitely how it would be growing up with triplets. I know that my brother was always being ornery and mischievous. Overall, I think you did a great job. I can’t wait to dive more into your storybook.